Guide me as I go...
If Morse code were still a form of communication, I’d tap my message to you: Training wheels came off. Falling over. Getting back up. Working to balance.
Since our old pup passed, I’m learning to make my way without Lily’s 75 pounds of enthusiasm pulling me forward. The journey’s not easy.
Thankfully, we have a puppy who requires training.
Truth is, he and I are learning together. His name is Obi Wan, like the Jedi Master from Star Wars, but we’ve decided our Obi is more of a padawan, a youngling in training.
Out the door we go.
Rather than walking straight, Obi zig-zags like a hound dog following any scent that interests him.
I hear myself saying, “Leave the rabbit. Don’t eat cigarette butts. Spit out the coyote poop.”
The garbage he consumes and the scents he picks up remind me of my mind when I let it roam. Somehow without Lily, and maybe it’s my current journey in grief, but I’ve been wandering in restricted areas and find myself waking and saying, “How did I get here?”
Gently, I pull Obi back to the trail. Gently, I invite my mind back to the beauty of the day, kindness for my love of Lily, thankfulness for blessings. And we walk on. Two padawans.
What Lily’s physical absence means for my prayer life is that I’m asking to be guided. Praying for guidance. No one can know what a pet means to a person. Words can’t describe the sacredness of the relationship.
For me, I imagine what Helen Keller may have felt when her guide Anne Sullivan wasn’t there drawing words in the palm of her hand. Lily’s leash was always in the palm of my hand. And her gigantic spirit was always pulling me forward. For someone immersed in liberating a ptsd brain, Lily’s focus was a godsend.
I had days, weeks, months when I couldn’t see, couldn’t hear.
And there was Lily.
Words in the palm of my hand describing the beauty of life today, all around me.
Open my eyes that I may see. Open my ears that I may hear. A Biblical prayer.
Lily was right. Life is beautiful.
I write. I draw. I sing. Anything to help with Lily’s absence. And her gifts.
I bow my head and pray and ask to be guided as I go.
I heard on KDFC, a classical radio station, that Beethoven said he did not write for critics, but for people’s hearts. I admire his intention and wrote his words on a yellow post-it note and put them on my wall.
When I sit to write or draw or sing, I want to write for someone else’s heart, your heart even, but really what I do most often is write from mine.
Wishing you Peace.
With love,
Kathleen
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To listen to MissyAnn’s song “Guide Me As I Go,” please click here.
You may be able to hear MissyAnn’s song here ~